The Pasha will be taking me for a mere cockney.
Have not I told you ALWAYS to say that I am from a branch of the
family of Mudcombe Park, and that I am to be a magistrate for the
county of Bedfordshire, only I've not qualified, and that I should
have been a deputy-lieutenant if it had not been for the
extraordinary conduct of Lord Mountpromise, and that I was a
candidate for Goldborough at the last election, and that I should
have won easy if my committee had not been bought. I wish to
Heaven that if you DO say anything about me, you'd tell the simple
truth.
Dragoman [is silent].
Pasha. - What says the friendly Lord of London? is there aught that
I can grant him within the Pashalik of Karagholookoldour?
Dragoman (growing, sulky and literal). - This friendly Englishman -
this branch of Mudcombe - this head-purveyor of Goldborough - this
possible policeman of Bedfordshire, is recounting his achievements,
and the number of his titles.
Pasha. - The end of his honours is more distant than the ends of the
earth, and the catalogue of his glorious deeds is brighter than the
firmament of heaven!
Dragoman (to the traveller). - The Pasha congratulates your
Excellency.
Traveller. - About Goldborough? The deuce he does! - but I want to
get at his views in relation to the present state of the Ottoman
Empire. Tell him the Houses of Parliament have met, and that there
has been a speech from the throne, pledging England to preserve the
integrity of the Sultan's dominions.
Dragoman (to the Pasha). - This branch of Mudcombe, this possible
policeman of Bedfordshire, informs your Highness that in England
the talking houses have met, and that the integrity of the Sultan's
dominions has been assured for ever and ever by a speech from the
velvet chair.
Pasha. - Wonderful chair! Wonderful houses! - whirr! whirr! all by
wheels! - whiz! whiz! all by steam! - wonderful chair! wonderful
houses! wonderful people! - whirr! whirr! all by wheels! - whiz!
whiz! all by steam!
Traveller (to the dragoman). - What does the Pasha mean by that
whizzing? he does not mean to say, does he, that our Government
will ever abandon their pledges to the Sultan?
Dragoman. - No, your Excellency; but he says the English talk by
wheels, and by steam.
Traveller. - That's an exaggeration; but say that the English really
have carried machinery to great perfection; tell the Pasha (he'll
be struck with that) that whenever we have any disturbances to put
down, even at two or three hundred miles from London, we can send
troops by the thousand to the scene of action in a few hours.
Dragoman (recovering his temper and freedom of speech). - His
Excellency, this Lord of Mudcombe, observes to your Highness, that
whenever the Irish, or the French, or the Indians rebel against the
English, whole armies of soldiers, and brigades of artillery, are
dropped into a mighty chasm called Euston Square, and in the biting
of a cartridge they arise up again in Manchester, or Dublin, or
Paris, or Delhi, and utterly exterminate the enemies of England
from the face of the earth.
Pasha. - I know it - I know all - the particulars have been faithfully
related to me, and my mind comprehends locomotives. The armies of
the English ride upon the vapours of boiling caldrons, and their
horses are flaming coals! - whirr! whirr! all by wheels! - whiz!
whiz! all by steam!
Traveller (to his dragoman). - I wish to have the opinion of an
unprejudiced Ottoman gentleman as to the prospects of our English
commerce and manufactures; just ask the Pasha to give me his views
on the subject.
Pasha (after having received the communication of the dragoman). -
The ships of the English swarm like flies; their printed calicoes
cover the whole earth; and by the side of their swords the blades
of Damascus are blades of grass. All India is but an item in the
ledger-books of the merchants, whose lumber-rooms are filled with
ancient thrones! - whirr! whirr! all by wheels! - whiz! whiz! all by
steam.
Dragoman. - The Pasha compliments the cutlery of England, and also
the East India Company.
Traveller. - The Pasha's right about the cutlery (I tried my
scimitar with the common officers' swords belonging to our fellows
at Malta, and they cut it like the leaf of a novel). Well (to the
dragoman), tell the Pasha I am exceedingly gratified to find that
he entertains such a high opinion of our manufacturing energy, but
I should like him to know, though, that we have got something in
England besides that. These foreigners are always fancying that we
have nothing but ships, and railways, and East India Companies; do
just tell the Pasha that our rural districts deserve his attention,
and that even within the last two hundred years there has been an
evident improvement in the culture of the turnip, and if he does
not take any interest about that, at all events you can explain
that we have our virtues in the country - that we are a truth-
telling people, and, like the Osmanlees, are faithful in the
performance of our promises. Oh! and, by-the-bye, whilst you are
about it, you may as well just say at the end that the British
yeoman is still, thank God! the British yeoman.
Pasha (after hearing the dragoman). - It is true, it is true: -
through all Feringhistan the English are foremost and best; for the
Russians are drilled swine, and the Germans are sleeping babes, and
the Italians are the servants of songs, and the French are the sons
of newspapers, and the Greeks they are weavers of lies, but the
English and the Osmanlees are brothers together in righteousness;
for the Osmanlees believe in one only God, and cleave to the Koran,
and destroy idols, so do the English worship one God, and abominate
graven images, and tell the truth, and believe in a book, and
though they drink the juice of the grape, yet to say that they
worship their prophet as God, or to say that they are eaters of
pork, these are lies - lies born of Greeks, and nursed by Jews!
