And so is all the world to him who will
not cultivate the fruits it offers. I declare, said I, clapping my
hands cheerily together, that were I in a desert, I would find out
wherewith in it to call forth my affections: - if I could not do
better, I would fasten them upon some sweet myrtle, or seek some
melancholy cypress to connect myself to; - I would court their
shade, and greet them kindly for their protection. - I would cut my
name upon them, and swear they were the loveliest trees throughout
the desert: if their leaves wither'd, I would teach myself to
mourn; and, when they rejoiced, I would rejoice along with them.
The learned Smelfungus travelled from Boulogne to Paris, - from
Paris to Rome, - and so on; - but he set out with the spleen and
jaundice, and every object he pass'd by was discoloured or
distorted. - He wrote an account of them, but 'twas nothing but the
account of his miserable feelings.
I met Smelfungus in the grand portico of the Pantheon: - he was
just coming out of it. - 'TIS NOTHING BUT A HUGE COCKPIT, said he: -
-I wish you had said nothing worse of the Venus of Medicis, replied
I; - for in passing through Florence, I had heard he had fallen foul
upon the goddess, and used her worse than a common strumpet,
without the least provocation in nature.
I popp'd upon Smelfungus again at Turin, in his return home; and a
sad tale of sorrowful adventures had he to tell, "wherein he spoke
of moving accidents by flood and field, and of the cannibals that
each other eat: the Anthropophagi:" - he had been flayed alive, and
bedevil'd, and used worse than St. Bartholomew, at every stage he
had come at. -
- I'll tell it, cried Smelfungus, to the world. You had better
tell it, said I, to your physician.
Mundungus, with an immense fortune, made the whole tour; going on
from Rome to Naples, - from Naples to Venice, - from Venice to
Vienna, - to Dresden, to Berlin, without one generous connection or
pleasurable anecdote to tell of; but he had travell'd straight on,
looking neither to his right hand nor his left, lest Love or Pity
should seduce him out of his road.
Peace be to them! if it is to be found; but heaven itself, were it
possible to get there with such tempers, would want objects to give
it; every gentle spirit would come flying upon the wings of Love to
hail their arrival. - Nothing would the souls of Smelfungus and
Mundungus hear of, but fresh anthems of joy, fresh raptures of
love, and fresh congratulations of their common felicity. - I
heartily pity them; they have brought up no faculties for this
work; and, were the happiest mansion in heaven to be allotted to
Smelfungus and Mundungus, they would be so far from being happy,
that the souls of Smelfungus and Mundungus would do penance there
to all eternity!
MONTREUIL.
I had once lost my portmanteau from behind my chaise, and twice got
out in the rain, and one of the times up to the knees in dirt, to
help the postilion to tie it on, without being able to find out
what was wanting. - Nor was it till I got to Montreuil, upon the
landlord's asking me if I wanted not a servant, that it occurred to
me, that that was the very thing.
A servant! That I do most sadly, quoth I. - Because, Monsieur, said
the landlord, there is a clever young fellow, who would be very
proud of the honour to serve an Englishman. - But why an English
one, more than any other? - They are so generous, said the
landlord. - I'll be shot if this is not a livre out of my pocket,
quoth I to myself, this very night. - But they have wherewithal to
be so, Monsieur, added he. - Set down one livre more for that, quoth
I. - It was but last night, said the landlord, qu'un milord Anglois
presentoit un ecu a la fille de chambre. - Tant pis pour
Mademoiselle Janatone, said I.
Now Janatone, being the landlord's daughter, and the landlord
supposing I was young in French, took the liberty to inform me, I
should not have said tant pis - but, tant mieux. Tant mieux,
toujours, Monsieur, said he, when there is any thing to be got -
tant pis, when there is nothing. It comes to the same thing, said
I. Pardonnez-moi, said the landlord.
I cannot take a fitter opportunity to observe, once for all, that
tant pis and tant mieux, being two of the great hinges in French
conversation, a stranger would do well to set himself right in the
use of them, before he gets to Paris.
A prompt French marquis at our ambassador's table demanded of Mr.
H-, if he was H- the poet? No, said Mr. H-, mildly. - Tant pis,
replied the marquis.
It is H- the historian, said another, - Tant mieux, said the
marquis. And Mr. H-, who is a man of an excellent heart, return'd
thanks for both.
When the landlord had set me right in this matter, he called in La
Fleur, which was the name of the young man he had spoke of, - saying
only first, That as for his talents he would presume to say
nothing, - Monsieur was the best judge what would suit him; but for
the fidelity of La Fleur he would stand responsible in all he was
worth.
The landlord deliver'd this in a manner which instantly set my mind
to the business I was upon; - and La Fleur, who stood waiting
without, in that breathless expectation which every son of nature
of us have felt in our turns, came in.
