To Be Sure Her Manners Were Not Over-Elegant, Nor
Her Fortune Over-Large; But Then, Sir, Her Blood - Oh, Her Blood Carried
It All Hollow, There Was No Withstanding A Woman With Such Blood In Her
Veins.
After all, she had frequent battles for precedence at balls and
assemblies, with some of the sturdy dames of
The neighborhood, who
stood upon their wealth and their reputations; but then she had two
dashing daughters, who dressed as fine as dragons, and had as high
blood as their mother, and seconded her in everything. So they carried
their point with high heads, and every body hated, abused, and stood in
awe of the Fantadlins.
Such was the state of the fashionable world in this self-important
little town. Unluckily I was not as well acquainted with its politics
as I should have been. I had found myself a stranger and in great
perplexities during my first season; I determined, therefore, to put
myself under the patronage of some powerful name, and thus to take the
field with the prejudices of the public in my favor. I cast round my
thoughts for the purpose, and in an evil hour they fell upon Mrs.
Fantadlin. No one seemed to me to have a more absolute sway in the
world of fashion. I had always noticed that her party slammed the box
door the loudest at the theatre; had most beaux attending on them; and
talked and laughed loudest during the performance; and then the Miss
Fantadlins wore always more feathers and flowers than any other ladies;
and used quizzing glasses incessantly. The first evening of my
theatre's reopening, therefore, was announced in flaring capitals on
the play bills, "under the patronage of the Honorable Mrs. Fantadlin,"
Sir, the whole community flew to arms! The banker's wife felt her
Dignity grievously insulted at not having the preference; her husband
being high bailiff, and the richest man in the place. She immediately
issued invitations for a large party, for the night of the performance,
and asked many a lady to it whom she never had noticed before. The
fashionable world had long groaned under the tyranny of the Fantadlins,
and were glad to make a common cause against this new instance of
assumption. - Presume to patronize the theatre! insufferable! Those,
too, who had never before been noticed by the banker's lady, were ready
to enlist in any quarrel, for the honor of her acquaintance. All minor
feuds were therefore forgotten. The doctor's lady and the lawyer's lady
met together; and the manufacturer's lady and the shopkeeper's lady
kissed each other, and all, headed by the banker's lady, voted the
theatre a bore, and determined to encourage nothing but the Indian
Jugglers, and Mr. Walker's Eidonianeon.
Alas for poor Pillgarlick! I little knew the mischief that was brewing
against me. My box book remained blank. The evening arrived, but no
audience. The music struck up to a tolerable pit and gallery, but no
fashionables! I peeped anxiously from behind the curtain, but the time
passed away; the play was retarded until pit and gallery became
furious; and I had to raise the curtain, and play my greatest part in
tragedy to "a beggarly account of empty boxes."
It is true the Fantadlins came late, as was their custom, and entered
like a tempest, with a flutter of feathers and red shawls; but they
were evidently disconcerted at finding they had no one to admire and
envy them, and were enraged at this glaring defection of their
fashionable followers. All the beau-monde were engaged at the banker's
lady's rout. They remained for some time in solitary and uncomfortable
state, and though they had the theatre almost to themselves, yet, for
the first time, they talked in whispers. They left the house at the end
of the first piece, and I never saw them afterwards.
Such was the rock on which I split. I never got over the patronage of
the Fantadlin family. It became the vogue to abuse the theatre and
declare the performers shocking. An equestrian troupe opened a circus
in the town about the same time, and rose on my ruins. My house was
deserted; my actors grew discontented because they were ill paid; my
door became a hammering-place for every bailiff in the county; and my
wife became more and more shrewish and tormenting, the more I wanted
comfort.
The establishment now became a scene of confusion and peculation. I Was
considered a ruined man, and of course fair game for every one to pluck
at, as every one plunders a sinking ship. Day after day some of the
troupe deserted, and like deserting soldiers, carried off their arms
and accoutrements with them. In this manner my wardrobe took legs and
walked away; my finery strolled all over the country; my swords and
daggers glittered in every barn; until at last my tailor made "one fell
swoop," and carried off three dress coats, half a dozen doublets, and
nineteen pair of flesh-colored pantaloons.
This was the "be all and the end all" of my fortune. I no longer
hesitated what to do. Egad, thought I, since stealing is the order of
the day, I'll steal too. So I secretly gathered together the jewels of
my wardrobe; packed up a hero's dress in a handkerchief, slung it on
the end of a tragedy sword, and quietly stole off at dead of
night - "the bell then beating one," - leaving my queen and kingdom to
the mercy of my rebellious subjects, and my merciless foes, the
bum-bailiffs.
Such, sir, was the "end of all my greatness." I was heartily cured of
All passion for governing, and returned once more into the ranks. I had
for some time the usual run of an actor's life. I played in various
country theatres, at fairs, and in barns; sometimes hard pushed;
sometimes flush, until on one occasion I came within an ace of making
my fortune, and becoming one of the wonders of the age.
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